I meet many clients who arrive in my therapy room exhausted by their own expectations. They describe feeling trapped, constantly anxious about making mistakes, and isolated from the people they care about most. What strikes me is how often these individuals started with genuinely admirable intentions – they wanted to be good people, reliable partners, excellent employees, or caring family members.
Yet somewhere along the way, their helpful guidelines transformed into rigid rules that now govern every aspect of their lives. They have built themselves a prison, appointed themselves as jailer, and thrown away the keys.
How High Standards Transform Into Perfectionism
High standards often begin as a response to genuine values or past experiences. Perhaps you learned early that being reliable earned approval, that honesty built trust, or that excellence opened doors. These insights served you well – for a while.
The trouble starts when these helpful guidelines become inflexible rules with no room for human complexity. “I should be honest” becomes “I must tell the complete truth in every situation, regardless of consequences.” “I should be reliable” transforms into “I can never let anyone down, even slightly, or I am a failure.”
This shift from flexible standards to rigid perfectionism happens gradually. Before long, you find yourself living under constant surveillance – your own. Every interaction becomes a test you might fail. Every small compromise feels like a step towards moral collapse. You have created a world where you can never relax, never be human, and never make the ordinary mistakes that are part of a full life.
The Hidden Cost: What Rigid Thinking Really Takes From Us
Living in a self-imposed prison extracts a toll that extends far beyond the original fear of “lowering standards.” Research consistently shows that cognitive flexibility – the ability to adapt our thinking to different situations – is strongly linked to psychological wellbeing and life satisfaction. When we lock ourselves into rigid patterns, we sacrifice much more than we realise.
Emotional Exhaustion and Anxiety
The exhaustion is often the first casualty. Maintaining perfect standards requires constant vigilance, leaving little energy for joy, spontaneity, or genuine connection. I see clients who are so focused on avoiding moral missteps that they have forgotten how to simply enjoy a conversation or relax into a relationship.
This perpetual self-monitoring creates chronic anxiety. You become hypervigilant to potential failures, scanning every situation for ways you might fall short. Your nervous system remains in a state of heightened alert, unable to distinguish between genuine threats and ordinary moments of imperfection.
Shrinking Worlds and Damaged Relationships
Our world gradually shrinks as we avoid situations where we might face moral complexity. We decline invitations, withdraw from friendships, and isolate ourselves from experiences that might challenge our rigid frameworks.
Relationships suffer because others feel they can never measure up to our standards, or because we cannot tolerate their ordinary human flaws. Partners feel scrutinised rather than loved. Friends walk on eggshells around us. We miss opportunities for growth, connection, and happiness because they do not fit our narrow definitions of acceptable behaviour.
The Paradox of Rigid Morality
Perhaps most tragically, rigid thinking often undermines the very values it claims to protect. The person who never tells white lies may end up hurting people unnecessarily. The individual who never compromises may damage relationships beyond repair. In trying to be perfectly good, we sometimes forget how to be genuinely kind.
What We Are Really Afraid Of: Understanding the Roots of Perfectionism
When I suggest to clients that they might benefit from more flexible thinking, the response is often immediate and visceral: “But then I will become a terrible person.” This fear deserves respect because it usually points to something important.
Often, the rigid standards developed as protection against a previous version of themselves they deeply dislike. Perhaps they once lied frequently and hurt people. Maybe they were unreliable and damaged important relationships. The high standards became a wall against ever returning to those behaviours.
The fear is understandable, but it rests on a false premise: that there are only two options – perfect rigidity or complete moral collapse. This black-and-white thinking creates the very prison they are trying to escape. It is an example of the cognitive distortions that often accompany anxiety and perfectionism.
Values Versus Rules: Finding Your Keys to Freedom
The path to freedom lies in distinguishing between your core values and the rigid rules you have built around them. Your values – honesty, kindness, reliability – are precious and worth protecting. The inflexible rules you have created in service of these values may actually be undermining them.
Consider the difference between these approaches:
Rigid rule: “I must never tell anything but the complete truth.”
Flexible value: “I value honesty and choose to communicate truthfully whilst considering the impact of my words.”
Rigid rule: “I must never let anyone down.”
Flexible value: “I value reliability and strive to honour my commitments whilst recognising my human limitations.”
Rigid rule: “I must never make mistakes at work.”
Flexible value: “I value competence and continuously work to improve whilst accepting that growth involves occasional errors.”
The Gift of Cognitive Flexibility
Cognitive flexibility is not about abandoning your values – it is about finding adaptive ways to live them. It means developing the wisdom to know when strict adherence serves your values and when flexibility might actually honour them more deeply.
This flexibility opens doors to richer relationships, reduced anxiety, and a more satisfying life. You begin to connect with others as fellow imperfect humans rather than subjects of your moral judgement. You discover that people often respond more warmly to authentic humanity than to rigid perfection.
The relief that comes with accepting your own complexity – and that of others – is profound. You can finally exhale, knowing that your worth does not depend on maintaining an impossible standard. You realise that you can be a good person without being a perfect one.
Practical Steps: Unlocking Your Prison Door
If you recognise yourself in these words, remember this: you built this prison, which means you hold the keys. The standards that once protected you may now be limiting you, and that is not a moral failing – it is a sign that you have outgrown them.
Start small. Notice when your rigid thinking creates unnecessary suffering for yourself or others. Keep a brief journal noting moments when your inflexible standards cause distress, and what alternative responses might have been possible.
Practice distinguishing between your core values and the inflexible rules you have built around them. Ask yourself: “What value am I trying to honour here?” followed by “Is this specific rule the only way to honour that value?”
Experiment with tiny acts of flexibility and observe what actually happens – not what you fear might happen. When you notice the feared catastrophe does not materialise, your brain begins to learn that flexibility is safe.
Seek perspective from trusted others. Sometimes we cannot see our own rigidity clearly. A friend, partner, or therapist can help identify patterns we have become blind to.
Most importantly, remember that becoming more flexible in your thinking does not make you a worse person. It makes you a more adaptive, compassionate, and ultimately more effective one. Your values remain intact; you are simply learning to express them with greater wisdom and humanity.
The door to your self-imposed prison has been unlocked all along. You just need the courage to walk through it.
If you find yourself trapped by impossibly high standards that are affecting your wellbeing and relationships, therapy can help. I can support you in developing cognitive flexibility whilst maintaining the values that matter most to you. This work is particularly valuable when rigid thinking patterns have become deeply entrenched or are contributing to anxiety, depression, or relationship difficulties. If you would like to try counselling in Wokingham (or online), please reach out to me and we can arrange a 15 minutes introductory call to explore how therapy can help.
Photo by Vitolda Klein on Unsplash