Often, when I work with young men in therapy, I encounter a presentation that often goes unrecognised in mainstream discussions about anxiety: the intersection between panic attacks and a term that I don’t often hear – “solitude anxiety.” Whilst social anxiety is commonly understood as fear of social situations, there exists an equally distressing experience where being alone triggers intense panic and feels genuinely dangerous.
Many young men I work with describe experiencing a narrow window of social comfort that creates a constant balancing act. They cannot tolerate being alone, yet they also become overwhelmed in large groups or social gatherings. This leaves them perpetually seeking just enough social connection to feel safe without tipping into overstimulation – an exhausting pattern that significantly impacts their daily functioning and mental health.
Why Do I Feel Scared When I’m Alone?
The physical response remains consistent whether triggered by isolation or crowds – increased heart rate, breathing difficulties, sweating, chest tightness, and an urge to escape. These are classic panic attack symptoms that many young men struggle to understand or communicate effectively.
However, the underlying psychological mechanisms differ significantly. When alone, catastrophic thinking and rumination often dominate, with thoughts spiralling around themes of abandonment, rejection, existential dread, or not feeling good enough. In crowded environments, sensory overload and loss of control become primary concerns, with anxiety tending to draw attention to being judged, scrutinised, or unable to escape if panic strikes.
For someone experiencing this fear, being alone can feel genuinely threatening. The mind creates scenarios of danger, emergency situations where no help would be available, or overwhelming emotional states that feel impossible to manage independently. This is not weakness or immaturity – it is an anxiety response that has become overprotective, treating normal solitude as a survival threat.
Why Do I Need Others Around Me to Feel Safe?
Young men experiencing this anxiety pattern can often fall into a pattern of relying on external sources for emotional regulation. They might constantly seek physical comfort, repeated reassurance from friends or family members, or even find comfort from pets during particularly distressing moments. Some spend hours on social media or gaming platforms, not for entertainment, but as a way to feel connected and avoid the terror of solitude.
This reliance creates what I call “external regulation dependency” – where emotional stability becomes contingent on the presence or availability of others. The person might feel unable to process difficult emotions, make important decisions, or cope with stress without immediate access to support. While healthy social connection is vital for wellbeing, this level of dependence can become problematic as young people navigate increasing independence.
It is crucial to understand that this reliance is not weakness – it often reflects secure attachment capacity and emotional intelligence. However, developing internal regulation skills alongside maintaining healthy connections becomes essential for long-term resilience and mental health. The challenge lies in expanding the capacity to tolerate difficult emotions independently whilst preserving the ability to seek appropriate support when needed.
High-Intensity Sports as Coping Mechanism
I have observed many young men with social anxiety and panic symptoms gravitate toward high-intensity, high-contact sports during periods of emotional difficulty. Boxing, rugby, kickboxing, martial arts – activities that provide intense physical sensations, clear rules, and structured social connection simultaneously.
These pursuits serve multiple therapeutic functions: they offer controlled physical release for pent-up anxiety, create predictable social environments with clear expectations, provide measurable achievements that boost self-efficacy, and can help regulate the nervous system through intense physical exertion.
However, it is worth exploring whether these activities complement or replace other coping strategies. Are they enhancing overall emotional resilience, or are they becoming the only tolerable way to manage difficult emotions? Healthy coping involves having several strategies available rather than relying on a single outlet.
How Can I Learn to Be More Comfortable Being Alone?
Treatment for this complex presentation involves gradually expanding that narrow comfort zone whilst developing robust internal regulation skills. This does not mean forcing someone to tolerate prolonged isolation or overwhelming social situations – such approaches often backfire and increase anxiety.
Instead, effective treatment focuses on building awareness of internal experiences – thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations – in solitary and social scenarios. This awareness becomes the foundation for developing new coping strategies and reducing the intensity of panic responses.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) approaches help identify the specific thought patterns that maintain distress. When alone, these might include catastrophic predictions about rejection, abandonment, or personal inadequacy. In crowds, thoughts might centre on being negatively judged, losing control publicly, or being unable to escape if panic strikes.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) skills, particularly distress tolerance and emotion regulation techniques, provide practical tools for managing intense emotions without immediately seeking external relief. These might include breathing techniques, grounding exercises, and distraction strategies that can be implemented in various situations.
Gradual exposure therapy helps individuals slowly expand their comfort zones, building confidence in their ability to manage anxiety-provoking situations whether alone or in company. This might start with very brief periods of solitude in safe environments, gradually increasing duration and variety of alone time.
The goal is developing what I call “flexible autonomy” – the ability to be comfortably alone when needed whilst also seeking appropriate social connection when desired. This represents a significant shift from the rigid patterns that characterise anxiety disorders.
Family Context and Environmental Factors
Understanding family dynamics proves crucial when working with young men presenting with this anxiety pattern. Often, there are family histories of anxiety, depression, or other mental health difficulties that create a genetic and environmental predisposition.
Sometimes, these young men have witnessed family crises, experienced early trauma, or found themselves in caretaking roles that heightened their sensitivity to being alone or increased their hypervigilance in social situations. Understanding these patterns helps contextualise current symptoms without assigning blame. Or, sometimes, young men internalise a message that emotions are bad, overwhelming or impossible to deal with alone. As such, they become fearful of being alone.
Building Resilience and Moving Forward
Recovery involves learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions without immediately needing external soothing, whilst simultaneously maintaining the capacity for healthy interdependence. For many young men, this process involves challenging cultural messages about masculinity and emotional expression, requiring therapeutic spaces where vulnerability is normalised and internal experiences can be explored safely.
The goal is never complete independence from others – humans are inherently social and connection is crucial for mental health. Instead, the aim is expanding the range of experiences that one can tolerate whilst building genuine confidence in one’s ability to manage difficult emotions, whether alone or in company.
This journey toward emotional flexibility takes time and patience. It involves developing trust in one’s own capacity to cope, building a toolkit of internal regulation strategies, and gradually discovering that solitude can be peaceful rather than threatening. With appropriate therapeutic support and gradual exposure, that narrow comfort zone can expand significantly, allowing for greater flexibility and resilience in navigating life’s inevitable challenges.
If you are experiencing similar patterns or supporting someone who is, remember that discomfort with solitude often reflects emotional depth rather than weakness. Professional support from a qualified therapist experienced in anxiety disorders can provide the structured approach necessary for change, opening up possibilities for a fuller, more authentic life where both solitude and connection become sources of strength rather than fear.
Photo by Andrew Neel: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-in-gray-long-sleeve-shirt-sitting-on-brown-wooden-chair-5255996/