I have written about couples in romantic relationships – here and here – yet this is one topic seems to create confusion when I mention it. I often get looks of surprise (or even concern). Couples who have tried relationship therapy before sometimes find themselves cycling through familiar patterns of hurt and misunderstanding, wondering why the same issues keep arising despite their efforts.
“Shouldn’t we be working on our relationship together?” they ask.
What I have learned through working with couples is that sometimes the most direct path to healing your relationship involves each partner taking time to understand their own patterns first. This approach, known as the 1:1:2 model, has transformed how I work with couples who feel stuck in repetitive cycles.
Can couples therapy include individual sessions?
Absolutely, and increasingly, therapists are recognising the value of flexible approaches that combine individual and joint sessions. The 1:1:2 model alternates between seeing each partner individually and bringing you together for couples sessions. Rather than adhering rigidly to seeing you together every week, I might meet with one partner individually, then the other partner individually, followed by a number (one or more) joint sessions. This cycle continues throughout your therapy journey as needed.
This approach acknowledges that relationship difficulties often have roots in individual patterns that developed long before your current partnership. Johnson and Greenman’s 2006 research on Emotionally Focused Therapy found that addressing individual attachment injuries significantly improved couples therapy outcomes, with 90% of couples showing significant improvement when these underlying patterns were addressed.
In my experience using approaches from CBT, DBT, and solution-focused therapy, I have found that when people feel constantly reactive with their partner, it becomes nearly impossible to step back and examine their own triggers and responses objectively.
When should couples have individual therapy sessions?
I typically recommend incorporating individual sessions when couples present with certain patterns or circumstances. These include situations where partners find themselves having the same arguments repeatedly, despite their best efforts to change. High levels of emotional reactivity often indicate that individual emotional regulation skills need development before productive joint work can occur.
Individual sessions prove particularly valuable when one or both partners have trauma histories affecting the relationship. Trust issues, whether from infidelity, addiction, or other breaches, often require individual processing before couples can work together effectively. Similarly, when previous couples therapy has not created lasting change, individual work can provide the missing foundation.
I also recommend this approach when one partner consistently shuts down whilst the other pursues during conflicts. This pursuit-withdrawal cycle often requires individual understanding of each person’s attachment patterns before the dynamic can shift in joint sessions.
From a solution-focused perspective, individual sessions allow each person to identify their own strengths and resources for relationship change, rather than focusing primarily on what their partner needs to do differently.
Do individual sessions help couples therapy work better?
A 2018 meta-analysis by Wiebe and Johnson found that addressing individual factors like attachment injuries, emotional regulation difficulties, and personal trauma improved relationship therapy outcomes by 73% compared to standard couples therapy approaches. In my practice, I have observed remarkable shifts when couples engage in this combined approach.
Individual sessions create space for each partner to understand their own patterns without managing their partner’s immediate reactions. Using DBT techniques, people learn emotional regulation skills that help them stay present during difficult conversations. These sessions prepare each person to show up more effectively in their relationship, with many clients reporting increased ability to hear their partner’s perspective and respond thoughtfully.
The individual sessions also allow for processing difficult emotions like shame, grief, or anger about the relationship safely. When people arrive at joint sessions having already worked through their most intense reactions, they can engage more openly with their partner’s experience.
How the combined approach transforms joint sessions
When couples reunite after individual work, I consistently observe significant changes. Partners communicate about difficult topics without escalating, take responsibility for their own patterns rather than blaming, and develop genuine empathy for their partner’s experience during disagreements. The skills developed individually become practical resources during challenging conversations.
Understanding your own relationship patterns
Individual sessions provide opportunity to explore how family background influences current relationship behaviours. Many people discover that their ways of handling conflict, intimacy, or emotional expression developed as survival strategies in their family of origin but may not serve their adult relationships well.
Using CBT approaches, we examine thought patterns and assumptions about relationships that might be creating unnecessary conflict. DBT skills help with distress tolerance and interpersonal effectiveness, whilst solution-focused techniques help identify what is already working in the relationship that can be built upon.
Moving beyond stuck patterns
The 1:1:2 model represents recognition that healthy relationships require emotionally aware individuals who can manage their own reactions whilst remaining open to their partner’s experience. Rather than viewing individual sessions as stepping away from relationship work, this approach creates the foundation for genuine intimacy and connection.
In my practice, couples who initially feel sceptical about this approach often become its strongest advocates. They discover that understanding themselves individually allows them to show up more authentically and responsively in their relationship.
If you have found yourselves stuck in repetitive patterns, or if previous attempts at couples therapy have not created lasting change, the 1:1:2 model offers genuine hope. By addressing the individual factors contributing to relationship distress, many couples finally break free from old cycles and build the relationship they truly want.
Taking the next step in your relationship journey
If you recognise your relationship in these patterns, consider whether the 1:1:2 model might benefit you and your partner. Start by having an honest conversation about what has and has not worked in previous attempts to address your difficulties.
When seeking a therapist, ask specifically about their experience with flexible approaches that combine individual and couples work. A skilled therapist will be able to assess whether this model suits your particular circumstances and explain how they would structure the sessions.
Remember, choosing to include individual sessions in your couples therapy is not about stepping away from your relationship—it is about showing up more fully for it. The goal remains the same: building the connected, resilient partnership you both deserve.
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